My search through the streets of many cities                                            J. DeTroy   02/2023                             

As my song, Survivor, suggests, inner healing most often involves a process, or to use a over-used term: A Journey.  I began my search for healing in 2008 when I decided that I would need others to help me understand myself. I had very little remembrance of my childhood, and discussions with some of my sisters at that time left me with even more questions.

Thus, I began with a therapist to help me unlock those early parts of myself. I had a list of symptoms, physical and emotional, such as muscle tension, disturbing dreams, unexplainable fears, and growing depression, to use as a starting point.

The process was much more grueling than I had expected. I first planned on several months of intent work with my therapist. After six months I extended that plan to one year, then two … After the third year I had uncovered so much, I wanted to stop. I then went on to the process of working throught those memories; the process of inner healing.

I realize now that my case may seem extreme for some people, still I would like to offer my experiences on “my Journey”, as possible help and even encouragement to others.

I wrote this song in 2016, a few months before recording my second CD, called SURVIVOR. I wanted to express what the process of healing that I was going through felt like.  I trusted in God’s love for me and the hope for renewal.  But since then, in the past eight years, I have searched more deeply for the things I have been lacking, and found they are still surviving, in me.   

This is the text from the first version:

SURVIVOR

It’s to understand what devastating pain can do to you,

Your life trod on before it started to bloom

All you had were – splintered parts inside of you

So you fought to survive

All you knew was hurt – in your deepest part

Trying to defend that little spark

And no one understands why you can’t take part

You had to fight  –  just to survive

The love you’ve never had – has passed you by

Now you wake up – start to rise up

Discovering parts in you you never knew

Feel healing – releasing – hope begins to rise

You want to understand

the devastating things that happened to you

And to take a chance for your life to bloom

And all the splintered parts inside of you

Can come to life

And you’re allowed to hurt – in the deepest part

‘Cause someone is there holding your inner spark

Someone who understands all your heart

*He gave His life to make you alive

And He can heal that hurt in the deepest part

‘cause He is the One holding your inner spark

Jesus understands all of your heart

He gave His life to make you alive

The life you never had, is given to you

(*original ending)

Today’s ending:

*It’s you – who holds the key to love –

The love you never had – surviving in you

Words and Music: Julie DeTroy 2016/2020/2024

After a break of a year and a half I would like to round off my story of my music with some more early recordings from my first CD: Your Love.  Some of the songs were re-recorded on the second CD and I value the newer versions, but I still find some special qualities in the early recordings.

You Can Make a Way

God of Hope

Lean on Me

You Are

It was over 11 years ago, when I first began to write this song.  As in most songs at the time, it began as an entry in my journal. The date was July 17, 2010, and the weeks before were spent agonizing more and more about the worsening condition of my eyes.  In the fall of the year before, Sept. 2019, I spent several days in the Eye Clinic because the pressure in my left eye especially, had risen to a dangerous level; there was danger of Glaucoma.  At that time, the head surgeon called for an operation to relieve the high pressure, emphasizing that it should be done soon.  My whole life I had never spent more than a few days in the hospital, even that weekend of exams in the clinic was cause for anxiety and stress for me.  I experienced panic even just thinking about going in for surgery.  It was out of the question for me.  I continued with my eye doctor appointments and tried to ignore the warnings as the pressure rose, until I noticed blurring in spots of my vision – in the summer of 2010. I prayed, I confessed, I examined my heart for an answer to why I was not getting better, but worse! I prayed for healing, for myself, for everyone I knew. I said, I will never give up – not stop believing! Finally, I came to the next step, to give up – admit that I have no answers – and so wrote down the beginnings of this song:

Another song, I want to tell of what You mean to me

And who’s to say if I’ve lived my life the best way

But through every trial You have heard me sing.

I had my surgery in April of 2010, and it was successful (for a time). That fall I began a program to train as a Christian counselor.  Through the three-year program I ended up completing, I learned about a whole other area in me in need of healing – inner healing.  Eventually, I rewrote some of the lyrics for this song, with additional musical help from my daughter.

One more thing I would like to say, about this newest  version of “Another Song”.  After enduring several other eye surgeries, I was emboldened to seek out time in two Psychosomatic Clinics specializing in PTST and childhood trauma, in 2017 and in June of this year, 2021.  Both times I somewhat reluctantly talked about my singing and songwriting and ended up finding others who loved to sing.  By the end of my time at both places, this song became one of our favorites – only one other of my songs surpassing it in popularity 😉     

On YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCM8OBROMDMACzlVsLXmzWaQ

On Facebook you can find me here: https://www.facebook.com/juliedetroy

I pick up this thread of telling the background story of the songs on my Survivor CD after another long break.  At this time, we have dealt world-wide with the Covid-pandemic, and personally we have dealt with lockdowns, shut-downs, distancing and face masks.  I have enjoyed the simpler pace of life but suffer under the restrictions and isolation from many contacts that have supported me in the past. But now, on to the story of Redeemer and Savior and how the song came to be.

At the time of writing this song I was drawn to the poetry of much of the Old Testament.  For this song I focused on Isaiah 41 verses 9 to 14.  This came after a continual stream of songs in 2004, starting in February, where I discovered the joy and excitement of creating melodies to so many of the verses that meant so much to me.  At this point, in October of 2004, I struggled to deal with the subject of fear, even panic attacks that I had experienced throughout my life.  I heard it said at church that God helps us overcome our fears, and I wanted to see His help concretely in my life.  Believing that trust was the key to accessing God’s help, I wrote this song from the words in Isaiah 41 verses 9 -10 and verse 14:

“You are My servant; I have chosen you and not rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you.”

“I will help you,” declares the Lord, “and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.”

Although I still very much enjoy singing this song, I have recognized the possibly even delusional personal interpretations I was giving to the Word of God, making the written word of the Bible into my own personal answer to my problems.

I think now that I have indeed struggled with anxiety and panic in my life because of traumatic occurrences in my childhood that have continued to burden me. These forms of anxiety and fear are not the same as what is being addressed in Isaiah 41.  It is indeed tempting to seek faith in God as the way out of all that burdens us, but I have had to realize that some of my struggles require an (huge) effort on my part to work on the sources of my inner areas of pain and fear. If I can understand and accept them, I may be reconciled to things I had buried long ago. 

This song has a history to it, written originally on November 8, 2012. This was early on in my process of therapy when I was just beginning to realize very difficult things in my past, in my childhood. The loss of my young brother, Michael Joseph, when I was not quite four years old (born on August 8, 1960, died August 9 – the next day) stood out in my mind and moved me to write these lyrics. It was some years later that I questioned my sister about details of Michael Joseph’s short life. She wrote me what she had gathered from conversations with our older brother, that “none of the children visited the hospital or any (funeral) service, it was just a sad time for them (my parents) to come home with empty arms”. Singing this song continues to serve to comfort me even when there is little to hold on to from the short life of my young brother –

https://videopress.com/v/WN0IYEPU?resizeToParent=true&cover=true&preloadContent=metadata

The Link: Cradled in His Arms – YouTube

On Facebook you can find me here: https://www.facebook.com/juliedetroym…

Rest in You began in 2004 as a simple chorus to which I added two verses in 2008. The text for the verses came from a hymn that included the phrase “resting place” (“No Other Plea” by William J. Kirkpatrick) and I ended up  recording it on my CD Survivor.  As my faith grows and (hopefully) matures, I have begun adapting some of the expressions of that faith – therefore this new version, with my own verses this time.

The pictures on this video include some of the “resting places” I seek out in the beautiful Main River valley here is Bavaria where we live, and in wooded areas that lie above.

YouTube Link: Rest In You – Julie DeTroy – YouTube

Thie is the original version of this song that my husband and I recorded  with a small sound board in our bedroom early in 2005 (with Bass added later by my good friend Dieter Gritschke).  I still remember the excitement of making that first of our recordings!  The video was recorded this year, dubbed to that original recording.  Glad to have you listen along …

The link:You Can Make a Way – Original Version 2005 – YouTube

In the time since I started this blog in 2017, I have traveled through some difficult and uncomfortable places, in my mind, in my heart. This has made it hard for me to share more about the songs on my CD Survivor. I realized that I had to deal with many questions about what I really believe, if I can still stand by what I wrote and sang in my songs.

Before, in 2008 when I first wrote down the lyrics for Your Word, I was involved in the Healing ministry at Church and was struck by the hope and possibilities of the power of our faith in God to affect our lives. I personally had experienced several supernatural (unexplainable) healings.

One experience in particular is clear in my mind to this day: we were living in Bluffton, Ohio and the year was sometime mid-1990s. I was alone at home with my three young children while my husband was away on a business trip. In the middle of cooking a meal I grabbed a cast iron pan from the stove not realizing the burner was very hot. It took a second for me to realize that I was burning my hand. I dropped the pan and called out an earnest prayer that God would heal my hand. As the evening progressed I realized that my hand was perfectly fine, not even a trace on the affected area. I was convinced that God answered my prayer!

In the years after that I prayed regularly for my needs and for the needs of my family and the people I knew. Many amazing things did happen, like the sudden disappearance after ten years of my chronic back pain, even though the pain returned again and again in the years that followed. Still, I was convinced that healing was possible.

At the time of writing the song, Your Word, I was dealing with ever worsening problems with my eyes that ended me up in the hospital for the first time in my life. During this time in the hospital I experienced fears and anxieties that I had never been aware of before. I began to realize deep areas in me that needed healing, emotional healing. For me, trusting and believing that God can heal me has not been enough. In the process of dealing with very hard situations in the years that followed – both physical and emotional pain – I have been learning that there are areas in my life where I need to do “more” than “just trust and believe”. In fact, I have had to discover that in my case I was repeating a victim mentality that I had learned from the beginning of my life. In my case, I needed to learn about this poisonous form of thinking and began an extremely difficult process of identifying the roots of those influences; I began in earnest with therapy.

Now, I believe that God works in my life in supernatural ways, but I also realize how there is a form of “belief” or “trust” that can be a trap and mislead me, to not care for myself, to not even value myself at times. I am aware of the temptation to use “faith” as an excuse to escape from the awareness of uncomfortable and painful things in my life. Jesus said, we are “in this world”, that He does not take us out of it. We have the task, sometimes in the midst of its Pain, to live!

 

 

Beauty is an important part of my life – seeming to give me energy at the same time as a sense of stress relief. I have two hibiscus plants at home, and of course my lovely orchids. Besides that I love to gather wildflowers sometimes on my walks, but especially when I am walking someplace new. Then they can serve as a remembrance of those walks. I know most of the wildflowers that grow on the ways that I walk near my house, and these I simply enjoy revisiting every time I walk that way. So … I am glad for flowers!